12:50AM Sunday morning and I am sitting here writing. I have just finished reading two stories that were written a while back. One was written by me and submitted by my ex-wife as her own work, for which she won a writing contest. The other was a joint effort she now lays complete claim too. Why am I torturing myself? Actually, I don't see it as torture but more of an understanding of what really happened.
My ex-wife paid to have her book published by some fly by night operation. As far as I know, it has yet to be printed or released. Vanity printing is a tricky business. I was always under the impression that if a company wanted to publish your works, they paid you, not the opposite. Our writings helped fuel this obsession and eventually lead to her getting the deal signed. Desperation causes irrational thinking. Vanity indeed.
After reading the story we wrote together, I have now seen her true feelings toward me exposed. I must have read that thing a hundred times before she submitted it, tweaking a phrase here and editing a part there; but I never paid full mind to what it was really saying. Had I done so, I would have discovered a lot.
The wife in the story feels trapped and suffocated in a loveless marriage to a man who is controlling. As this woman struggles to reclaim her identity and get a new life, she blacks out and kills her husband in front of her mother-in-law. Of course, when she finally regains her memory, she is arrested for his murder. Not a bad story. I was proud of our effort. Like I said, had I paid attention, things would have been clearer.
After we split and went our separate ways, she starting making wild accusations claiming I was domineering and trying to control her; never letting her go out with friends or visit her family. This is complete nonsense. First, she had no friends here except for one girl with whom she was constantly going to the movies, bringing over to dinner, scrapbooking classes and writing club. Second, she spent the entire week of New Years (as well as other trips) with her family in California while I stayed behind. Her mother and aunt were both here at different times visiting with us as well. Controlling, I think not.
Yet, in this story, her true feelings are expressed in a subtle manner. Now, I am far from perfect and do have several faults but the wild claims she has made are ludicrous; pure fantasy. Even her mother agreed with me and, if you can believe, wanted to keep in touch because she liked me. I put a stop to this as suggested by my attorney. A wise and necessary move, although, suffice it to say, I liked her mother. She is a kind person. Her dad, now there is a piece of work.
This guy is so far out of touch with his kids, I truly believe he needs to be put away in an institution before he can create more trouble. He is cold, distant, detached physically and emotionally, void of unconditional love and, the best part; a minister. Talk about hypocrisy. This man personifies it to the letter. My ex wife looks and acts just like him. The apple did not fall from the tree, it fused together.
Why she said these things about me will forever remain a mystery. I never raised a hand or beat her. I did all the housework and cooked all the meals while she toiled around on the computer or watched inane television shows like wrestling. Arguments were common but never violent. I guess her imagination got the best of her and fantasy became reality in her mind. Too bad, she was a level headed girl when I met her. I'll never know what happened and it is too late to worry now. Not my problem to solve. Last I heard from her was when the divorce papers were finalized and we are now legally free from one another.
I have written articles in the past about our marriage and divorce (as well as other subjects) and found it to be a great stress relief as well as a learning experience. I read those again tonight as well and noticed that I bore quite a bit of my heart and wrote with true emotion. Not too bad for an amateur trying to cope. Some people out there actually read them according to the hits I received. To these people, I express my grateful and heartfelt thanks. If nothing else, it lifted my spirit and gave me a renewed confidence.
As for the divorce, well, I won't lie, I think about her at times (like now, for instance, due to the subject of which I am writing) but, I see things in a different light. Gone are the pains of breaking up and the hurtful words said. The heated email exchanges and shouting phone calls have been replaced with silence. Now, the feeling is calm and I am enjoying my life. Doing what I want without asking permission has always been a part of me. Meeting girls is another bonus.
I recently met a girl with whom I have developed a relationship; that is to say, we are seriously dating and I guess could be described as boyfriend/girlfriend. We have talked a little about our future and have agreed to take it slow for now until the time is right and we are ready to move forward. She has recently ended a marriage from an abusive alcoholic husband and understands all the feelings and emotions a divorce causes. This is good for both of us. We talk about what happened with each other and are learning from our past mistakes. She is a great girl and I am very happy with her.
I am sitting at her table while she is asleep on the sofa with the television on. Soon, after I finish my scotch, I will turn the television off and put us to bed. We have made plans to sleep late (although I don't sleep as is evident that it is now 2:01AM and I am still writing) and go out for a late breakfast. After this, we will probably run a few errands and wind up at Barnes and Noble for coffee (her favorite place).
This relationship is different for me. This girl is like no other I have been involved. She has a very calming way about her; which is in complete contrast to my personality and hyper mood. For some reason though, it is working. She is comforting and moves with a certainty about herself; a quality I find very appealing and sexy. Unlike my ex-wife, who had no idea what was happening. Her world, I suspect, will forever live in her mind. That is just as well, we are done.
2:15AM. I am beginning to think this late breakfast will soon manifest into a late lunch. No worries though, we will ride with the moment and see where it leads us. Tomorrow is a day off for the both of us and will be enjoyed to the fullest extent. Actually, I am thinking of staying in bed, watching movies and ordering Chinese. She likes Chinese and I like Chinese, so this may be what tomorrow (more like today) holds in store for us. We shall see what daylight brings. Goodnight.
I am a professional chef who enjoys writing about everyday life.
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